37 Weeks: Today I feel Thankful

I've started this post several times, and I can't seem to get it right. I guess that's what happens when you take an eight month break from writing. 

All I'm really trying to say is that I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful for the past thirty-seven weeks, really, but especially for today.

{June 24: The day we found out}

I'm thankful for my growing belly and the tiny baby girl inside. I'm thankful for the back aches and shortness of breath and not-so-little jabs I feel each night.

{August 23: Twelve weeks}

I'm thankful for my husband and my family and everyone else who has cheered us on and supported us along the way. I'm thankful for the calls, texts, care packages and cards that have brightened so many of our days.

{September 16: It's a Girl!}

Today I'm thankful for answered prayers.

I'm thankful for God's guidance as we chose a new doctor, learned about an ovarian cyst, and faced preterm labor at thirty-two weeks. I'm thankful that we've made it past each of those obstacles and that God has been there every step of the way.

{Nursery inspiration, Princess and baby snuggles, Pregnancy pillow, A gift from a friend}

I'm thankful for the time we've had to prepare our home, our hearts, and our marriage for the day we meet our baby girl.

{November 10: My birthday on The Riverwalk}

I'm thankful that although bed rest has kept me from putting the finishing touches on her nursery, we'll be bringing our daughter home to a room that so many people have filled with love.

(A peak at her nursery, which will be finished once she is born}

I'm thankful for this journey, because no matter how difficult it has been, it's the story of us. It's the story of how we became a family.

{December 24: Baby's first Christmas gift from Aunt Shell}

The story of the last six months: Why I quit my job & Looking ahead

This is going to be long, but before I can fully move on from this stage of my life I need to write it all out. It's the best form of therapy for me, so if you're reading thanks for being my therapist!

~~~

It's time we had a heart-to-heart about what's really been going on. If you've been reading for a while then you probably noticed a few months ago when my posts became less frequent and more vague. I've had a lot going on in the last few months, and for personal and professional reasons I did not want to share too much. 

Let me start from the beginning...

Back in November I finally had the opportunity to start working as a child life specialist again. {Child life positions are few and far between, and I had been watching the hospital's job board ever since we moved.} The position I accepted was in the ER, working Sunday through Thursday, three to eleven-thirty in the evening. The schedule wasn't ideal, but at the time Brandon was still in his training program, and his hours were crazy, too. 

In the beginning things seemed to be going okay. I was facing challenges, for sure, but I did my best to remain positive. I set goals, and I put my best foot forward. 

Then in January our prayers for guidance were answered, and Brandon was offered a new position. With this new position {that we were very excited about!} came new hours. After a year and a half of waiting Brandon was finally working a mostly eight to five schedule. The only problem? My schedule was completely opposite. 

We did our best to make it work. We tried making the most of our days off, and Brandon did his best {poor thing!} to wait up for me each night. We tried. We tried everything we could think of, but it just wasn't working.  

Brandon worked every other weekend, I worked on Sundays, and our schedules were opposite every other day of the week. All of that combined meant we got to spend a total of four days together each month with mostly phone conversations in between. It was tough. And it started to take a toll on too many aspects of my life. 

After countless prayers, too many tears, and lots of valuable advice from my closest family and friends, I turned in my resignation. 

I think some people wondered why it took me so long to actually make this decision, and looking back I can see why. But first of all, I'm stubborn. I'm also determined, and for a while I was determined to make this work. 

Second of all, I think the hardest thing to do in life is give up something that you love. I love child life, and I worked my *** off to become a child life specialist in the first place. It took a lot of courage to step away and accept that this job wasn't the right fit for me, but it just wasn't. 

Lastly, I didn't want to feel like I had given up. I wanted to know that I had done everything I could and given this job my absolute best. 

After turning in my resignation I immediately felt like a weight had been lifted. 

I was lucky enough to have a supportive boss who completely understood where I was coming from. I had been honest with her from the beginning, so she knew this was a possibility. I told her that I was still very interested in child life, and we agreed that if a day position opens I'll reapply. 

I left last Wednesday knowing that I gave this hospital and this department everything I had for as long as I could. I did my best, and even though I was only there for a short time I felt proud of my contributions.

~~~ 

Everyone keeps asking me "What's next?" {I feel like I could be in Julian's film on One Tree Hill.} And honestly? I don't know how to answer that. Of course I have a picture painted in my head of how I want the next year to play out, but I'm continually learning that those self-painted-pictures rarely become a reality. 

So we will see. Right now my priority is catching up on quality time with Brandon. We've spent the last two years stressing about either his job or mine, so now it's time to focus on us. And the rest? I'm hoping it will all fall into place. 

Story of MY Life

{Dad, Mom, Michelle, Me, Brandon}

I grew up in a small, Texas town where I learned the value of family, hard work and true friendship.

As a child I spent many days outside with my dad, building and painting, sanding and sawing. And when I wasn't outside I was in our playroom living out of a dress-up box filled with dance costumes and my MaMaw’s old dresses.

In junior high I survived my first cheerleading tryout, and from that moment on I lived for football games and cheerleading camp. During my seventh grade year the boy I had a crush on asked me to be his girlfriend, and ten years later I married him.

I was a cheerleader and yearbook editor in high school, and I spent way too much time stressing about my grades. Occasionally my friends and I would go out to the Emotions dances that were held in neighboring towns, but those nights were always awkward for me. {I could never shake-it-like-a-salt-shaker without looking absolutely ridiculous.}

The next four years were some of the best years of my life. I laughed, loved and learned so much during my time at Texas, and I made friends and memories that will always be a part of who I am.

In 2010 I graduated from college, landed my dream job, and married the boy who’d asked me to be his girlfriend ten years earlier. We lived our first sixth months in Austin, and then made the grown up decision to move away from the city we loved in hopes of a stronger future.

Since then we've learned a lot about life, love, marriage, and how to get through the hard times together.

I’d like to think that after twenty-five years I've made at least a small impact on this earth, and I hope the next twenty-five years will be as fulfilling as the last. 

Today I'm Thankful

I apologize for being MIA lately. Like I said a few weeks ago, I've had a lot on my mind. I've been stressed, frustrated, and anxiously waiting for God to reveal himself in certain areas of my life. I know He's there, and I know He's heard my prayers. I'm just not sure what His plan is. 

After several weeks of focusing on what I wish was different, the things I'm desperately trying to change, I'm choosing today to think about all the good things in my life. It's time to refocus and change my perspective. 

Today I'm thankful for my job and that I have the opportunity to work.
I'm thankful for Brandon's job and the fact that I don't have to be the breadwinner.
I'm thankful for my parents, their constant love, guidance and support.
I'm thankful for my sister, someone who knows me like no one else ever will.
I'm thankful for Brandon. I'm thankful for his patience with me and his desire to make me happy.
I'm thankful for Princess and how she keeps me company when Brandon is away.
I'm thankful for our home.
I'm thankful for the yummy bacon and eggs I ate for breakfast.
I'm thankful for my education, something that can never be taken away from me.
Today I'm thankful for my friends, the people who have shared in every joy and every heartache.
I'm thankful for my faith and for my relationship with God.
I'm thankful for my good health and the health of my family and friends.
I'm thankful for my PaPaw and that we will be celebrating his ninety-first birthday.
I'm thankful for K-LOVE radio and how they know just what I need to hear.
I'm thankful that Jesus died on the cross to save us from sin.
I'm thankful that I will be celebrating Easter at home, surrounded by those I love.
Lastly, I'm thankful for love, laughter, and a sense of hope.
Hope that gives me the strength I need day after day.

Everything rides on hope

I've had a lot on my mind lately, none of which I'm ready to share via blog, but I've just been thinking about my life and the directions it could take. I sort of feel like I'm at a crossroads, and I'm hoping the next few weeks will bring some clarity. 

Until then these song lyrics have been giving me strength and hope...

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

If you haven't heard 'Hope Now' by Addison Road, click here to listen. It's one of my favorites! 

Perfectly Imperfect

It's time we had a heart-to-heart talk about marriage, what it's really like. As much as I love sharing all of our happiest moments with you, I also think it's important to be honest, to tell you that marriage is tough and that ours isn't perfect. 

After two years I've learned that marriage has seasons, good and bad, and right now we happen to be in a really good season. We've faced a few challenges along the way, but we've learned so much from those experiences.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that our lives aren't perfect, we aren't perfect. We argue and fight and both act selfish at times, but at the end of each day we remind ourselves that we're a team. We're in this together. For better or worse, remember?

I know that life isn't a fairy tale and that there are going to be difficult days ahead, but I'm okay with that. As long as we both try everyday to be the best husband and wife we can be, I'm okay with that.

I'll take perfectly imperfect any day. 

*I'm linking-up here today.

Friendship, and Weekends Like This

This is the third opening line I've typed for this post.
I just can't seem to get it right. 

I want to tell you about our weekend,
the weekend that Kayla and Riley came to visit.
I want you to know how much we truly enjoyed it.

First I want to tell you our history and everything that brought us together.
I want to tell you about our life long friendship
and what role each of us played in helping one another find true love.

I want to share with you all of our memories,
memories of proms, graduations, twenty-first birthdays, and weddings.

Mostly, I want you to know just how special this friendship really is.

And then maybe you'll understand why this weekend meant so much.
Maybe you'll understand why it felt so good to pick up where we left off
and continue our heartfelt conversations.

Maybe you'll see that a weekend of dinner, bowling,
breakfast tacos and Pitch Perfect can actually be good for your soul.

If you're like me you'll realize
that this kind of friendship only happens once-in-a-lifetime,
and you'll vow to yourself to make weekends like this happen a lot more often.

Looking Back {on 2012} Part I

For me 2012 was a year of personal growth. As the year began I found myself searching for meaning and purpose in my life. It was a year of challenges, but those challenges eventually turned into triumphs, and as the year came to a close I felt at peace. I had learned to seek happiness for myself, instead of waiting for it to find me. 

January

We celebrated the new year in Texarkana for Britt and Dustin's wedding weekend. It was such a memorable weekend and a wonderful start to 2012. 

At some point in January it became a reality that Brandon actually had to leave for three months, starting at the end of March. I began worrying about what this meant for me. I didn't have anything holding me back in Corpus, but I started to wonder if having a job would make the coming months easier. I looked into possibilities outside of child life, and I considered going into teaching. After weighing all my options I decided against it. I didn't want to jump into something just because I was scared of the challenge ahead. 

February 

I spent the month of February taking advantage of my time with Brandon, since I knew he would be leaving in a matter of weeks. Although we squeezed in as many date nights and fun outings as we could, it still felt like there was cloud of sadness hanging over us. Even though we tried not to think about it, we knew that we were quickly approaching the biggest challenge we had ever faced as a married couple. 

Towards the end of the month I made my first Austin trip of 2012. Shell and I experienced the Campus Candy Store for the first time and attended a Texas Country benefit concert that was close to my heart.

March

I realized I had spent so much time trying to figure out the next step in God's plan that I hadn't even noticed His presence in the present moment. I began to see Him working in my life in ways that I hadn't even considered. I learned to accept the stage I was in, and life seemed fun again. 

We spent a weekend in Yoakum before Brandon started his rig training, and at the end of the month we began our Dallas adventures. 

April

I did a lot of traveling in April. I was either in Yoakum with my parents, in Austin with Michelle, or in Dallas with Brandon. I had a lot of time to myself, which I spent running, reading, and just thinking about life. 

We also celebrated my PaPaw's 90th birthday, and we felt so blessed to have him in our lives. 

April was also the beginning of Courtney and Kyle's wedding festivities. My maid of honor duties included a day in College Station for Courtney's bridal portraits, a day I will never forget.

Stay tuned for parts two and three...

Life Updates

I know, I know. I'm slacking in the blog department. Honestly, I have several posts in my head...posts about marriage, faith, a Saturday night at the camp house...I just need time to sit and write. I hope these quick updates will hold you over until then.

First I want to say THANK YOU  to my sweet blog friend, Tiffany, who sent me a little something to congratulate me on my new job. Opening and reading her sweet card put a huge smile on my face! Thanks, Tiff!

So, life updates...

- Life is good. Brandon is continuing to work hard at his job, and we are finally starting to somewhat get used to his schedule. I shouldn't even use the word 'schedule'. He's here for a few days, then he's gone for a few days. He's in Dallas for a few months and then Oklahoma for a few weeks. There's really no rhyme or reason to it. I've just learned to go with the flow. When I tell people about his job, and how often he is gone they say "I don't know how you do it." Well, I don't either. I think the only thing that helps is knowing that it's not going to be like this forever. It's only temporary. That's what I keep reminding myself.

- As far as my job goes, I'm still getting used to it. The schedule, itself, is an adjustment. I'm working Sunday through Thursday, 3:00pm to 11:30. It's not the best, but it's not the worst. I'm starting to get used to sleeping later, which was actually hard for me at first, and waking up at 8:00am and not going back to sleep 'till 2:00am can make you {or at least me} crazy.

I'm also adjusting to working at another facility, a facility that does things a lot differently than what I'm used to. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail, but I will say that I have moments, days even, when I feel very frustrated. That's when it's helpful to come back to my office and read this:

It's something my mom gave me when I was in high school, and I've carried it with me through every stage of life since then. Mom, I bet you didn't even know I still had it! It is a great reminder, and something I will be reading often.

- I'm headed to Austin this weekend to run in the Color Me Rad 5k with my sister. I've heard it's one of the funnest {is 'funnest' a word?} races, and I can't wait to show you pictures!

- I finally stepped out of the stone age and into the world of Instagram. I only follow a few people {four, to be exact} but I love it! If you have Instagram, find me! {@emrenken} And if you don't have Instagram, get it. Then you can take super fun pics of what you eat when there's no groceries in your house, like me!

{#starving #unhealthychoices}

- One good thing about my work schedule: Today's my Friday! Haha, hope you all have fun at work tomorrow! Don't worry, you can rub it in my face on Sunday when you're all at home relaxing. Seriously, have a great weekend! And thanks for reading, friends!

The moment it hit me...

** Written Tuesday, October 2, 2012**

I made pork chops for supper tonight;
just like my MaMaw used to make,
fried in a little bit of oil with just enough flour to give them a light crunch.

As we sat down to eat I told Brandon that these were MaMaw's pork chops.
I explained that if she had made them we'd have mashed potatoes with lots of butter and gravy to go with them.
We would have had okra gumbo, too,
because that was my favorite.

I told Brandon how much I wished he could have tasted MaMaw's cooking.
He would have loved it.

I took my first bite, and it had just the right amount of crunch.
As I ate the memories started flooding my mind
and took me right back to MaMaw and PaPaw's kitchen.

I started thinking about all the times we sat around their table eating MaMaw's pork chops.
They were Michelle and Cody's favorite.
I wished that Michelle and Cody could have eaten them with me tonight.

Then I thought about Michelle's birthday being on Saturday,
and that if MaMaw were here she would have invited Michelle down from Austin
and made her pork chops on her birthday.

I continued to think about MaMaw while we ate,
and I found myself wanting so badly to feel her presence.

After we finished Brandon helped me clear off the table,
and I started washing dishes.
I thought about all the times I had helped MaMaw wash dishes.
She would wash, and I would dry.
We were a team.

As I stood at the sink tonight I couldn't help but wonder why I was thinking so much about MaMaw.
I mean, I have missed her every day since she died,
but I hadn't felt like this in a while.

And then it hit me.

It's October.

The month that MaMaw died.

I immediately started crying.

After walking into the living room and being comforted by Brandon and Princess
I realized that October 11th will be ten years since MaMaw's death.
It feels like it was just yesterday.

And although missing her hurts less over time,
Octobers are always pretty tough.

Gardening Lesson #1

Before planting my garden I talked with my dad about the best way to get the soil ready. After several conversations I had a step-by-step plan, and Brandon agreed to help me.

We came home from church on Sunday {several weeks ago}, and Brandon went outside and got started.

I glanced out the window and noticed he was not doing it according to the plan. I rushed outside to stop him...

"B, my dad said that the first thing we need to do is..."

"Emily, what I'm going to do is just take off this top layer..."

"But B, my dad said that we should..."

"Emily, just trust me. This will work too."

And it did.



{After one week in the ground}



I am slowly learning that my dad's way isn't the only way.

Absolutely PERFECT

On Saturday Shell and I were texting back and forth...

And she was right.

It was absolutely perfect .

Sometimes I just need to be reminded how truly blessed I am.

Thanks, Shell :)

Making the Best of it...

This post is a redo.
A redo of a very depressing, poor-pitiful-me post.

~~

Last Friday I sat down to write.
I felt like I had a lot of things to get off my chest.
I needed to vent.
After pouring a lot negative feelings and emotions onto the page screen,
my post was finished, and I was about to click 'publish'.

But something didn't feel right.
We were leaving to go eat dinner, and I told B I wanted him to read it when we got back.

He never read it.

Not because he didn't want to,
but because I never needed him to.

~~

We went to eat Friday night at Waterstreet, a restaurant we've wanted to try for the past year.
We walked in, and there was a wait.
We ordered drinks at the bar, scoped out what the people around us were eating,
and glanced over the menu.

After about fifteen or twenty minutes our buzzer-thing buzzed.
We walked up to the hostess, and she pointed to a small table.

"Will that work for you guys?"

The table was awkwardly placed next to a brick column in the middle of the room, but we were hungry.

"Um, sure!"

As soon as we were seated, we realized we were within inches of another table of two.
{It would have been less awkward if we would've pushed the two tables together and ate with complete strangers.}

We laughed and considered asking for another table, but we didn't.
We made the best of it.

And that's what I'm going to do, too.

~~

No, my life isn't perfect right now.
But whose is??

I'm just looking forward to the day I can look back on all of this and know how it turns out.

Something like this would be so helpful right about now...

A Letter to College Me

Dear Emily,

Congrats! You just got accepted to The University of Texas. So go on, enjoy the Forty Acres. Because the next four years will be some of the best years of your life.

To say that your first semester will be tough is an understatement. After several months of pain and swelling, you will find out that you actually have a stress fracture in your foot {and that it's been there since your high school graduation}. You're going to hate the boot and crutches.

Did I mention you'll live on the 3rd floor of your apartment?

Besides the boot and crutches, you will remember this as the semester you took calculus. It will be hard one of the hardest things you've ever had to do in your whole life. You will study and study and study. You will spend every afternoon in tutoring. You will work your butt off and think you know what you're doing, and you will still bomb every test.

Guess what.. You pass {thanks to a 20-point curve},
and life gets so much better.

Sophomore year will be filled with great experiences. You will start volunteering at the hospital, and this is where you find your home. You'll start in the TreeHouse gift shop, and you will love it. Your weeks will soon revolve around what day you get to go in and volunteer, and at the end of that semester you will get offered a job.

Take it. 

This job will teach you so much. You will learn how to run a store, how to balance a cash drawer, and how to select and display merchandise. You will learn how to manage volunteers and how to approach tough situations with dignity and grace. You will learn about life, love, friendship, marriage, and faith. You will learn all of this from the volunteers and the people who work with you.

Soak it all in.
These lessons and memories will stay with you forever .

Your junior year will be even better. You will be really busy, sometimes too busy. You will push and push yourself to get in as many volunteer hours and as much experience as you possibly can.

Keep pushing.

It is totally worth it.

This year you will turn twenty-one. Yes, the big 2-1. You will celebrate by going to dinner with your friends, and a few nights later you will experience 6th street for the first time. You will wake up the next morning with a headache and skip class to eat breakfast at Juan-in-a-Million with your friends.

Don't feel guilty.

You're only young once.

Senior year will be here before you know it.

This is the year your dreams come true. 

You will sit in the senior section during Texas Football season. You will "Come Early, Be Loud, & Stay Late". You will wear burnt orange every Saturday and make memories that you'll never forget.

Take lots of pictures.

Oh, and pack sunscrean for OU weekend. 

The first semester will fly by, and during finals week your boyfriend will call and invite you over for dinner. You'll throw on your most comfortable clothes, and head over for what you think is a quick dinner and evening of studying.

Wear make-up.

He's going to get down on one knee and ask you to be his wife.  

You will apply for, interview, and accept the child life practicum. You will keep working at the gift shop, continue to push yourself, and you will soon discover your limits.

Ask for help.
You don't have to be superwoman.

Towards the end of this year you will apply for a child life internship. You will know how tough and competative this process is. But you will set your goals high and apply all over the country.

Don't worry, you end up exactly where you need to be. 

And after four short years you will graduate.
You will have laughed more, cried more, and learned more than you could have anywhere else.
You will have grown up.
You will have found yourself.

And when graduation day comes...

Enjoy the fireworks.

My List

This is my list. A list of things I want to do, a list of things I want accomplish. This list is completely random, and can change at any time. Some of these things are fun. Some will take work. And some things I will cross off sooner than others. But each of them is something I want to do, eventually :)  

1. Go to Paris

2. Run more 5ks

3. Run a 10k

4. Sit in the front row on the set of The Chew

5. Go to New York

6. Go to Carlo's Bake Shop {from Cake Boss}

7. Eat New York pizza

8. Have kids

9. Continue my education

10. Take our kids to Washington DC

11. Own season tickets for Texas Longhorn football

12. Walk with our children around The University of Texas campus

13. Take Brandon to visit Aunt Betty in Georgia

14. Eat at a Chick-Fil-A Dwarf House again

15. Get our kids a puppy

16. Plant a garden

17. Take our children to Texas Football games

18. Bake MaMaw's homemade rolls {This one is going to take a lot of courage.}

19. Read more books

20. Become an aunt

Absence makes the heart...

Go crazy.
Or at least that's the case for me.

~~~

For the past three months {twelve weeks, 5 days to be exact} Brandon has been in Dallas.

We knew when he took this job that there would be a three-month training course he would have to attend. That's three months that he would have to leave our home and live somewhere else.

Without me.

We knew this, but we tried not to think about it. We tried, I tried, to tell myself it would never come.

But it did.

~~~

On March 24th we went to a wedding in the Austin area. And the next morning we said goodbye. Brandon drove to Dallas, and I caught a ride back to Yoakum.

"I can do this," I told myself. "Maybe it will be like a vacation...I'll go to Dallas, Corpus, Yoakum, and Austin, and it will be fun!"

That thinking lasted about six hours.

Sunday evening, after I got to my parents house, we started gettting ready for church. I walked into my room to change clothes, and it hit me.

I opened the closet to choose a shirt, and I realized it wasn't my closet. Sure it had my old prom dresses, my tucked-away trinkets and suvenirs, and my wedding gifts that I don't have room for, but it wasn't my closet at my home. {And, I only had about three shirts to choose from for church, ha!}

I started crying. And my mom and dad immediately began to comfort me.
I got the feeling that they knew this was coming.

Me {crying}: "I just don't know what to do!" ..sniff, sniff... "If I go home to my house I'll be so lonely, because no one is there!..But that's where all my stuff is...And if I stay here I won't have any of my stuff!"

Mom {in her very calm I'm-always-going-to-take-care-of-you voice}: "Emily honey, you can bring as much stuff here as you want! You can bring your whole closet if you want! We want you to do whatever you need to to be happy here."

Me {still crying}: "I know, but I'm a grown up now and I should be at my own house."...sniff..."I shouldn't have to stay with my parents."

Dad {in his very wise voice}: "Emily, you have the rest of your life to be at your house. It's okay if you want to stay with us while Brandon is gone."

Me {a little less emotional}: "Okay." ..tiny sniff.. "But I'm going to need some more clothes."

~~~

And at some point during the following weeks I went down to our house in Corpus to get more clothes. And shoes. And hair stuff, and swim suits, and my yoga mat, and weights, and my favorite blanket, and after a few more trips I had everything I needed.    Thank goodness!

~~~

I've now spent the last three months hanging out with my mom and dad. I drove to Dallas every few weeks and stayed with B for about a week at a time, but I spent most of my time in Yoakum.

We've stayed pretty busy. And after 2 couples showers, 3 bridal showers, 2 funerals, 2 softball tournaments, 1 5k, 1 weekend in Austin, 2 weddings and at least 4 trips to Dallas {for me}....

...After 89 days...

B is coming home!...

...On Friday! And I can't even begin to tell you how happy this makes me, how happy this makes us!

Check back soon for P's side of the story...

Nothing I say will be good enough...

On Saturday night my grandpa died.
We were at a wedding, a close friend's wedding.
It was my mom and dad's anniversary.
We were laughing, talking, and taking pictures with long-time friends.
Yes, one minute we were laughing, talking and posing for pictures,
and the next minute we were crying.
I was sobbing.

I was prepared for this. I had been prepared for months.
I knew Grandpa was sick.
I knew that some days he wasn't even Grandpa.
I knew that the best place for him was in heaven with Grandma.
I knew that my aunts were there.
I knew that hospice had been called.
I knew the morphine had been given.
I knew all of this.

But no matter how much you know,
no matter how much you prepare,
it still hits you like a ton of bricks.

~~~~

And since then, I have been wanting to write.
I have been wanting to sort through my jumbled thoughts and emotions.
I have been wanting to clear my head,
get out of this fog.

I have been wanting to write about Grandpa.
About his life, and the memories we share with him.
I have been looking through photo albums,
searching, grasping, longing to see him again.

I have been wanting to write a blog, share the photos,
relive the memories with you.
I want you to know what a great man he was,
what an incredible Grandpa he was.

But no matter how many stories I tell or how many photos I share,
it will never be good enough.
Nothing I say will be good enough.

~~~~

To all the friends who were with us on Saturday night,
thank you.

To my aunts, uncles, and cousins who were with Grandpa,
I'm so glad he wasn't alone.

To the special person who drove to camp get my sister,
you will never know how much we appreciate you.

And to my Grandpa,
I will always love you.

Love {& Marriage}

Someone I look up to once told me that love is a choice.
And now, I know exactly what she meant.
Each morning when you wake up, you choose to love.

You choose to love your hubby no matter how many times
he leaves his cap, shoes, or clothes in the living room floor.
You choose to love him even when he uses the lasagna scoop to flip meat on the stove.
You choose to love him even if he doesn't rinse his dishes the way you'd like him to.

And you know what?

He chooses to love you too.

Even though you buy the wrong kind of Oreos.
Even though you don't fold his socks the way he likes them.
No matter how much you fuss over the little things he does wrong differently than you.

Yes, love is a choice.
And it's a choice I will make every day, for the rest of my life.

Long Overdue

We spent the weekend in Austin, with our friends Eric and Jenny.
And baby Reese, Sweet baby Reese.
It was a weekend that was long overdue.

We got there Friday night.
Brandon and Eric sat in the back yard for a while.
They talked, over a few beers, and I could tell that this was exactly what they needed.
Time to talk, to catch up.

And visiting with Jenny,
that's exactly what I needed.

On Saturday the boys went to a softball tournament.
They played all day.
Jenny and I slept in, enjoyed lunch at Mighty Fine Burgers,
and spent the afternoon playing with Reese.

Oh, Reese.
Last time we saw you, you were a baby.
How fast you've grown!
You're a little person now, and we love you so much!
We can't wait to come play with you again.
But until then?
We will hold onto the memories of you smiling as you say 'Emmie',
and how you reach your arms out for B to hold you.

You see, a year ago this would have been a normal Saturday.
But now? This time is treasured.
Weekends like this don't come around very often.
So when they do?
We soak in every. single. minute.

A lot has changed, but it's still the same...

I just had a wonderful visit with a friend.

We talked and sipped on green tea frappuccinos.

It was a good conversation.

A conversation we hadn't had in a while.

We talked about life, marriage, jobs, our husbands' jobs,

family, friends, houses, future houses,

new cities, previous cities, future kids,

and everything in between.

As I drove away I thought about how much had changed since I met this friend.

But then I thought about how much is the same.

We are still two girls sitting cross-legged,

sharing our hopes, dreams, and fears with one another.

Both thankful to have someone to listen,

 and understand exactly what you are saying.

And that is something that I hope will never change.